What's happening to you? What are you ready for? How do you make sex special? Where do you draw the line? Safe sex: What's that? Safe sex: How do you do it?
Contents Lesson 1 What's happening to you? PAGE 1 Lesson 2 What are you ready for? PAGE 6 Lesson 3 Where do you draw the line? 13 PAGE Lesson 4 How do you make sex special? PAGE 22 Lesson 5 Safe sex: What's that? 29 PAGE Lesson 6 Safe sex: How do you do it? PAGE 37 Hello! If you have any questions, you can always go to www.sense.info Or to the English site www.sense.info/en It's a website for young people where you'll find plenty of information about sex and can ask for advice. Why not take a look!
1 What's happening to you? You’re changing! A lot changes in puberty. Your body is growing up. Sometimes you’ll feel insecure or awkward. You’ll also be more independent, start going out with friends perhaps. You may fall in love and get a boyfriend or girlfriend. How is it affecting you? Emotional roller coaster What do you notice about your body? A lot also changes in your body during puberty. It’s something you have to get used to. You may even feel ashamed of your body. But remember: you’re not the only one! Boys say: GLEN, AGE 17: ‘Sometimes I had a wet dream at night. I’d wake up with wet boxers and would try to hide them at the bottom of the washing basket so my mother wouldn’t find them.’ SAM, AGE 17: ‘I’d suddenly get a hard on in the classroom, really annoying. I always made sure I wore a long loose sweatshirt so I could hide it. Luckily it stopped happening one day.’ AMIN, AGE 16: ‘I used to really sweat. I’d get those dark rings around my armpits.’ Girls say: AYLA, AGE 18: ‘I had a lot of spots, and really hated that. How you look is just so important.’ EVA, AGE 15: ‘I really didn’t like having my period at first. During gym lessons I thought everyone could see it, was afraid I was leaking. I wasn’t, of course, but it felt like that.’ CRISTA, AGE 16: ‘I remember being the first girl in our class to get breasts. All the boys would look at my boobs, it was so irritating. As if I was a Barbie doll. Now I’m glad I have them.’ Do you get it? One minute you can’t stop giggling, the next you feel really down. Sometimes you want to be with someone, other times you’d rather be on your own. Those changing moods are part of puberty. For both girls and boys. Is it normal? Lots of young people wonder. During puberty you can be very unsure of yourself. Stormy? All these changes might lead to arguments with your parents or friends. LONG LIVE LOVE 1
1 What's happening to you? Penis stuff All penises are different. They may be straight, curved, long, short, fat, thin, circumcised or uncircumcised. It’s all perfectly normal. How long is a penis? A penis is fully grown once you’re between 18 and 21 years old. When soft, it’s between 6 and 13 cm. An erect penis is between 12 and 21 cm. Did you know that a smaller penis is often just as big as a larger one when erect? Most boys have their first ejaculation between the ages of 11 and 16. That’s when some semen escapes from the penis through the urine tube. Remember: You can make a girl pregnant with your very first ejaculation if you have sex without a condom or the pill. A wet dream is spontaneous ejaculation during sleep. If your bed feels wet when you wake up, you might think you’ve wet it. You haven’t – you’ve had a wet dream. 2 LONG LIVE LOVE Did you know... Boys often compare their penises. The bigger the better, they think. But if your penis is bigger, you don’t have better sex. Nor are you a better lover. Penis shaft foreskin glans erectile tissue urine opening glans seminal tube urine opening Circumcision > what's that? If a boy has been circumcised, his foreskin has been removed. The head of the penis (glans) is no longer covered. Circumcision is mostly done for religious or hygienic reasons. Sometimes a boy is circumcised because his foreskin is too tight and cannot be pushed back over the glans. If you’ve been circumcised, you can still have an orgasm. It may take a bit longer because your glans is slightly less sensitive. testicle urine tube circumcised uncircumcised scrotum scrotum
Vagina stuff The word ‘vagina’ is often used to describe a girl’s genitals. Vulva is actually the right word. The vulva consists of the labia (skinfolds), urine opening, clitoris and vagina. Vulvas all look different. In many vulvas, the inner labia are visible from the outside. That’s quite normal. The clitoris is one of the girl's most sensitive spots. The top of the clitoris is located at the top of the vulva, between the labia. A clitoris is much bigger than you think. Most of it is on the inside of the vulva. If you touch and stroke a girl's clitoris for a while, she may have an orgasm. Most girls have their first period between the ages of 11 and 15. Remember: Once a girl has had her first period, she’s fertile. That means she can get pregnant if she has sex without a condom or the pill. fallopian tube Would you like to know more about the vulva, the clitoris and periods? Go to www.sense.info labia uterus ovary vagina cervix clitoris outer labia inner labia urine opening vagina Vulva anus quiz Hymen 1. Boys can be virgins too: 2. A doctor can’t see whether a girl is still a virgin: True False True False 3. A girl can lose her virginity by using tampons or going horse riding: True False LONG LIVE LOVE 3 Answers to the quiz: 1. True. Boys can be virgins too. A virgin is someone who has never had sex. That goes for both boys and girls. 2. True. The hymen doesn’t tell you whether a girl is still a virgin. Some people think you can see that. But even a doctor can’t. 3. False. You only lose your virginity by having sex. A girl can’t lose her virginity by using tampons or going horse riding. Nor by cycling or masturbating. What is the hymen? Did you know that the hymen doesn’t cover the vagina? It’s a thin membrane around the vaginal opening. Most girls have this. When a girl has sex for the first time, the hymen is stretched by the penis. In some girls it may bleed a bit, but mostly it won’t. Having sex for the first time shouldn’t hurt if the girl is relaxed, her vagina is moist and the boy is gentle with her.
1 What's happening to you? In love?! During puberty you may fall in love for the first time. But what does that feel like? Is it a nice feeling or does all the excitement almost make you feel sick? We asked a few teenagers. Being in love, how does it feel? ROMANO, AGE 17: ‘When I’m in love, I think about that person all day long. And I want to be with them all the time. I daydream about that. I can’t concentrate on anything else. But I don’t have butterflies in my stomach.’ NORA, AGE 13: ‘I’m happy the whole day, as if I can take on the world. My mother always notices. She says: I bet you’re in love.’ On the street... What is the difference between friendship and love? ESTHER, AGE 15: ‘Friendship means I like someone. If I’m in love, I want to be with that person all the time.’ ISMAIL, AGE 14: ‘When I’ve fallen in love, I want to do other things with her. Like touching and kissing her. With friendship I don’t have that.’ KEVIN, AGE 15: ‘I don’t like falling in love. It makes me feel a bit ridiculous and naive. When I’m in love, I like everything about the girl. I can hardly think straight. I don’t even see her bad side.’ JOYCE, AGE 14: ‘It feels like a bomb full of butterflies has exploded in your tummy. When you see the person, your heart misses a beat and your whole body feels warm. If she talks to me, I’m so happy. It makes me blush.’ In love with... Heterosexual Some girls fall in love with boys. Some boys fall in love with girls. That’s called heterosexual. Homosexual (gay) Some girls and boys fall in love with someone of their own sex: about six per cent of men and five per cent of women in the Netherlands, for example, are gay. Boys who are attracted to boys are called homosexuals or gay men. Girls who are attracted to girls are called lesbians or gay women. Bisexual Some people are attracted to boys and girls. That’s called bisexual. 4 LONG LIVE LOVE Transgender Do you feel like a girl, while you were born as a boy? Or do you feel like a boy, while you were born as a girl? That is called transgender. It takes a while It often takes a while before you find out whether you’re attracted to boys or girls, or both. Secret There is homosexuality all over the world, but in some countries you’re not allowed to be openly gay or express your homosexual feelings. Discrimination In the Netherlands it is against the law to discriminate against anyone who is homosexual, bisexual or transgender. Did you know... Coming out means that you no longer hide your homosexual or lesbian feelings. Young people who come out tend to do that around the age of 16. Everyone decides for themselves if and when they want to ‘come out’.
What do parents and friends think of love and relationships? You’re in love and there’s nothing you’d like more than to go out with that boy or girl. But what do your parents and friends think? And how important is that to you? I don’t want my parents to know RACHIDA, AGE 14: ‘I’ve often been in love, but have never dared to say anything. I really don’t want my parents to know, as they don’t want me to have a boyfriend before I get married.’ In love with a boy OSCAR, AGE 16: ‘I’d known for a while that I was gay but didn’t dare to talk about it. Then I fell madly in love, so did tell a couple of friends. It took them a while to get used to it, but now they think it’s perfectly normal. That’s great.’ I don’t need to be ashamed SAM, AGE 15: ‘When I fell in love, my mother was the first one I told. I can tell her anything without feeling ashamed. That’s really cool.’ The first thing they think of is sex ELVIRA, AGE 14: ‘I’ve been in love with a boy for a while and he’s mad about me too. But I don’t want to tell my parents. They’ll think I want to go to bed with him straightaway. That’s how they were with my sister. It’s so stupid because I’m not even thinking about that yet.’ My best friend ROMY, AGE 14: ‘I think I’m in love with my best friend. Whenever I’m near her, I get butterflies in my tummy. Sometimes I think she’s in love with me too, because she looks at me in a special way. But I don’t dare to start talking about it. I’m afraid I’ll scare her off.’ If there’s something you need to talk about Being in love can be hard. So you may want to talk to someone. • Choose a quiet moment. • Think about who you want to talk to. • Be honest about what’s bothering you, it’ll help. • It may be easier to chat online or while you’re doing something: going to school or walking the dog. LONG LIVE LOVE 5 Want to know more about puberty, love or homosexuality? App, call or email with Sense: www.sense.info 0900 4024020
2 What are you ready for? What’s right for you? Chatting up, flirting, going out and sex. Some boys and girls are busy with all this. Others aren’t yet. What’s right for you? MATTHEW, AGE 14: ‘How I know if a girl likes me? When I make a joke and she laughs.’ 6 LONG LIVE LOVE
Who makes the first move, a boy or a girl? Boys say: BART, AGE 13: ‘I like it when a girl chats up a boy. I’m a bit shy you see.’ JAY, AGE 15: ‘I think boys should make the first move. We don’t often get a bad reputation. If a girl starts chatting up boys, she could be seen as a bit of a slag.’ MO, AGE 14: ‘It doesn’t bother me, I like it if you both do your best. If you both show the other person that you like them.’ Girls say: SHARON, AGE 16: ‘I took the initiative. My boyfriend liked that. He likes girls who know what they want.’ LISETTE, AGE 15: ‘Some boys think the boy should always do the chatting up because it’s more manly. I also think it’s really good if a boy does his best for you.’ FATMA, AGE 13: ‘It depends on the person. There are lots of shy boys and very outgoing girls. So sometimes the girl does the chatting up and sometimes the boy.’ complete Eight chat up tips You’re in love, that’s great. But what about the other person? How do you chat them up? 1 Make eye contact 2 Make sure you ‘happen to be’ nearby. 3 Talk to them, show them you’re interested. 4 Smile. That shouldn’t be too difficult. 5 Give compliments. 6 Touch the other person accidentally. Remember: do it gently and not too obviously. What’s your chat up tip? 7 Chat on the computer to get to know them better. 8 Ask a friend to check if it’s mutual. MEGAN, AGE 16: ‘Just make it clear you’re enjoying yourself. They’re bound to come over to you.’ JOSH, AGE 15: ‘I always talk to them between lessons. Just say: ‘Hi, you OK?’ SOULEYMAN, AGE 13: ‘While you’re talking to her, look at her in a way that makes her realise that you like her.’ LONG LIVE LOVE 7
2 What are you ready for? On the street... What is important in a relationship? We went out on the street to find out. Girls say: MANDY, AGE 16: ‘I think it’s important that you’re honest with each other. And I think that a boy shouldn’t be more important to you than your friends.’ SOPHIE, AGE 15: ‘You belong to each other and not to anyone else. I think that’s very important. The boy shouldn’t go out with other girls.’ EMMA, AGE 15: ‘I do want to be able to have a proper conversation with her, that’s the most important. Otherwise it’s all so superficial.’ FADOUA, AGE 13: ‘How he is with other boys and girls, and with others like his parents, sisters. Whether he’s nice to them. I think that’s very important.’ ELLA, AGE 14: ‘I think what’s most important is to be there for each other, to love each other.’ Boys say: KEVIN, AGE 15: You have to be able to trust each other. And keep each other happy.’ ADAM, AGE 16: ‘We once argued, he was very cross with me. Then he said: ‘But we still won’t split up.’ Then it’s obvious that it’s serious.’ QUINT, AGE 13: ‘If you want to go out with someone, you have to really be in love.’ LIAM, AGE 14: ‘It’s something I respect, a boy who has a girlfriend for a long time, that he’s stable.’ ACHMET, AGE 15: ‘That you can talk to each other properly is part of it. If you don’t have that, you know the relationship isn’t likely to work.’ Going out and then... If you like someone and they like you, you’ll often show that by touching each other. Maybe walking hand in hand or kissing. For some people, that’s enough. Others want to go further. How far you want to go, is up to you. 8 LONG LIVE LOVE Tips Having a really good relationship! • Do things together. Go and see a film, go out for the day, or listen to music together. • But make sure you don’t do everything together. Have your own life too: don’t forget about your other friends. • Give compliments. Say why you think they’re sweet or attractive. • Respect each other’s opinions. You’re equally important. • Tell them if something is bothering you. Don’t bottle things up. • Surprise each other. Send romantic texts, give a gift now and then.
complete Must we do everything together? THOMAS, AGE 15: ‘I’ve been going out with Daisy for two months. We have a lot of fun, but there’s one problem: she wants to do everything together. My friends think she’s controlling me. But if I say that to her, she’ll think I don’t like her anymore.’ His friends’ advice ZENYA, AGE 15: ‘Isn’t it logical that Daisy wants to do a lot together? That’s what it’s like when you’ve just started going out. You’re madly in love. Your friends just have to get used to you spending more time with your girlfriend.’ SOPHIE, AGE 14: ‘I think you can tell Daisy what it’s like for you. That it’s nothing to do with how you feel about her. But that you still want to do things with your friends. Maybe you’ll enjoy going out with Daisy even more! Your girlfriend does want you to be happy too, doesn’t she?’ MICK, AGE 15: ‘This happened to me too when I was in a relationship. It didn’t mean I didn’t like my girlfriend. I just wanted to be able to chill out on my own as well. I’d tell her if I were you. Suggest that she makes arrangements with her friends too. If you don’t do it, it will keep irritating you. And then I think you’ll split up.’ What’s your advice? Broken-hearted Your relationship’s over? It may leave you with a broken heart. That feels different for everyone. You might feel so awful that you hide yourself away. Some people just don’t want to do anything. But others immediately go looking for a new relationship. What can help is to talk about it, do something that takes your mind off it, or write down your feelings in a diary or song lyrics. Ending it A relationship isn’t going so well. You want to call it a day, but how? • Be honest. Don’t keep going if what you really want is to call it a day. It’s fairer to the other person. Not knowing where you stand is often more hurtful. • Be friendly. Say why the relationship isn’t working anymore for you. Don’t criticise the other person. Say for example: ‘My feelings for you aren’t strong enough.’ That sounds better than: ‘You’re so boring and you’re very unattractive.’ • Face-to-face. Don’t end it with someone in a text message or a chat, that’s not nice. • Show respect. Don’t say anything bad about your ex when it’s over. LONG LIVE LOVE 9 BEN, AGE 15: ‘My tip for a boy with a broken heart? Talk to your sister or another girl, as they know how girls’ minds work.’ Tips LILY, AGE 16: ‘Just give yourself some time. After being sad for a while, you’ll start to feel better.’ Did you know... Everyone’s heart can be broken. Even the toughest boys and girls in the class.
2 What are you ready for? No sex yet, why would you do that? Some boys and girls don’t have sex until they’re married. Others don’t wait. Read what Robbert (age 17), Eva (age 15) and Meryem (age 16) think about sex before marriage. I think sex is special. I’ll only do it if I think the boy is special too. I also won’t have sex yet. I’m Muslim. I’m proud of being a virgin. I’m saving myself. I’m not going to bed with just anybody. I wanted to know what it was like. I was curious. I met a girl at a party. She wanted to go further too. So we went all the way. Don’t you think it’s a shame you didn’t know her well? I want to wait until I have a proper relationship. If you’ve done it once, then it’s easier after that. It’s not quite as scary. Now I have a relationship and sex is also much better. Because I really love my girlfriend. Doesn’t everyone want to have sex with someone they really love? 10 LONG LIVE LOVE
Reasons for not having sex yet Reasons for having sex now JOSINE, AGE 16: ‘I want to have sex with a boy who really wants to be with me and isn’t going to dump me afterwards.‘ PETRA, AGE 15: ‘I was brought up a Christian, so I want to wait as long as possible.’ RACHID, AGE 15: ‘I think I’m too young still. I did kiss once, but that’s all.’ DAVID, AGE 16: ‘I want to go out with someone for a while and then I’ll see.’ STEFFI, AGE 18: ‘It felt right and I was ready.’ THOMAS, AGE 17: ‘She’s my girlfriend and we wanted to.’ JOYCE, AGE 16: ‘We’ve been together for a while and we were curious.’ MITCHELL, AGE 18: ‘We really love each other.’ quiz How old…? How old are teenagers when they have sex for the first time? 15 16 17 18 quiz Romance or excitement? Choose the type of person that describes you the best. You’re romantic You think sex is something special and intimate between two people. You only want to have sex when there’s true love. You’re not likely to jump into bed with just anyone. You have other interests Sex? That’s for later! You’re busy with other things. You might daydream sometimes about sex, but that’s all. You’re patient You can only lose your virginity once. So you’ll wait until you’re married or until you’re really sure that he or she is the one for you. You want some excitement Sex is a journey of discovery! You think passion and excitement are very important. If you have sex, it’s because it makes you feel good and you think the other person is exciting. LONG LIVE LOVE 11 Did you know... More than a third of boys and girls in the Netherlands use condoms and the pill when they have sex for the first time. The answer is: 18 Half of all people in the Netherlands have had sex for the first time by the time they are 18 years old. The other half of all 18-year-olds haven’t had sex yet.
2 What are you ready for? Kissing, cuddling and sex You can have intimate physical contact with someone in many different ways: kissing, cuddling, or going further than that. STEPHAN, AGE 16: ‘We cuddle a lot. Just lying on the sofa, watching a film.’ PETER, AGE 15: ‘Fondling each other. My girlfriend and I don’t want to go to bed with each other yet, but we do want to do more than just kiss.’ SUSAN, AGE 14: ‘My boyfriend and I can spend hours kissing.’ ALEXANDRA, AGE 15: ‘I get excited by saying things that will arouse her.’ LINDA, AGE 17: ‘My boyfriend and I have been going to bed with each other for three months now. It happened gradually, we’ve been going out for a year.’ Porno is not real-life sex Ever watch porno? Watching it might arouse you, but remember: it’s all quite fake. Sex in real life is completely different. Photos in ads are often fake Many young people feel insecure when they see glossy photos of super-slim girls and good-looking boys in magazines and posters, and on social media. But most of these photos are not real. They are manipulated to make the models look much more attractive. It’s called ‘photoshopping’. Sex on your own Most boys and girls have sex on their own now and then. How often varies. Other words for having sex on your own are ‘masturbating’ or ‘self stimulation’. Boys might call it ‘jerking off’ and girls could talk about ‘fingering’. Sex on your own makes you feel good. It is also useful, because you learn more about your own body. But it’s also quite normal if you don’t want to do it. 12 LONG LIVE LOVE
Where do you draw the line? What do you want? What do you really want? You should think about it! Choose the statement you agree with. I would never kiss someone on the first date. Before I kiss someone, I would have to be madly in love with them. I can kiss someone without wanting to go out with them. I'll only go further than kissing if I really love someone. I can go further than kissing without being in love. I think you need to have gone all the way before you’ve left school. I only want to have sex with someone who I see a future with. I don’t need to love someone to have sex. I won’t have sex until I’m married. None of the answers are right or wrong. It’s all about you doing what feels right for you. 3 How far will you go? What do you want when it comes to sex? And what not? Cuddling, kissing and making love are much nicer if you know what you and the other person want. How do you find out? And how do you make that clear? Talking about it will help you both. LONG LIVE LOVE 13
3 Where do you draw the line? quiz What would you do? Sometimes it’s difficult to discover how far you want to go. Do this quiz to find out what you think. 1. To kiss or not to kiss? Imagine... For a while now, you’ve really liked someone from the class above yours. One afternoon you’ve arranged to see each other and you cycle home together afterwards. As you say goodbye, the other person wants to kiss you. But you’d promised yourself you wouldn’t do that the first time you go out with someone. What do you do? a. I don’t kiss them. I suggest going to see a movie together sometime. b. I only kiss the other person on the cheek. c. I do kiss. This time it really is different. I feel like I’m in love! 2. What would you do? Imagine... You’ve been chatting with someone online for four weeks. You have mutual friends and have talked a lot but never met. You really like each other. One evening the other person suggests you meet sometime. What do you do? a. I say that I’d rather not meet yet. Maybe in a while. b. I arrange to meet at a party with friends so we’re not alone. c. I make an arrangement and also ask my friends to call me to see if things are going well. complete What does the other person want? You think about how far you want to go. But how do you know what the other person does or doesn’t want? NADIA, AGE 16: ‘I’m going out with a boy for the first time. The other day we were in my room kissing. I really wanted to go further than kissing but didn’t know what he thought of that. It was difficult to tell what he really wanted. How do you find out?’ MAAILA, AGE 17: ‘How far do I go? It depends what I feel like, where I am and who I’m with.’ Her friends’ advice CHELSEY, AGE 16: ‘You could carefully start caressing him and ask if that’s OK, whether he’s ready for it. That’s what I did. It makes it all clearer and better.’ What’s your advice? MEHMET, AGE 15: ‘I’d think it was really good if my girlfriend would ask: ‘Do you like this?’. That’s how I'd find out what we both do and don’t want. It would make it a lot easier.’ DANIEL, AGE 16: ‘If you watch him and see that he likes it and caresses you too, you know that it’s all right. Then you don’t have to say anything and won’t spoil the moment.’ LISA, AGE 17: ‘It went really well for us. At one point we had a conversation about sex and stuff. I asked him ‘What do you do regarding sex?’ and ‘What do you like?’. And I told him what I thought. It just strengthened our relationship.’ 14 LONG LIVE LOVE What kind of person are you when it comes to love? Do you have certain rules for what you do? Or are you more spontaneous? Tip: Always trust your intuition. If it feels right, it’s OK.
A ROMANCE Chat! Chill! And then? Hannah HOW IT BEGAN... Today 16:02 Nick Nick Hi Hannah, how are you? Today 16:04 Hannah Good. Lovely to chat again. Hannah and Nick have been chatting for eight weeks. They have mutual friends. They’ve never met. Hannah Nick Hannah Today 16:05 Nick It’d be really nice to do something together. At the same time Nick is talking to his friend Justin. Justin Nick Today 16:05 Hannah Shall we meet then? Today 16:06 Nick Hey Justin. I’m going to go out with Hannah. Any tips? Justin Nick Cool! Today 16:08 Justin The other day I met Jessica at the marketplace. We had fun there. Hannah Today 16:09 Nick Nick Hannah, shall we meet Friday afternoon at the marketplace? Good idea! Today 16:10 Hannah LONG LIVE LOVE 15
3 Where do you draw the line? I’m going out with Nick! We’re going to an ice cream parlour in town on Friday. Will you be careful? You’ve never met him before. If anything’s wrong, call us. It’s good that you haven’t arranged to meet for the first time at home. Lisa Hannah Jill It’s great to actually see each other. Isn’t he gorgeous… Nick Mmm.. She’s really pretty. I was a bit nervous about meeting you. It’s different to chatting online … I like the way she kisses. I’m so glad we’ve met. He’s kissing me! That must mean he likes me. Hi! EXCITING... six months together and home alone… Hannah and Nick have been going out for six months. They haven’t been at home by themselves yet. Hannah invites Nick over as her parents are going to be out this evening and they can watch a film together. I wonder if we’ll do more than just watch a film. I’m glad you’ve come. My parents have just left. 16 LONG LIVE LOVE
What do you think of the film? We’re alone. I’d like to get closer to him. Quite good, but I’d rather look at you. Wow! I think she wants to go further this evening. Could I touch her breasts too? Shall we go up to my room? It’s so nice to be all by ourselves in your room. Yes, isn’t it. This is brilliant. Does she want to have sex this evening? I’ll take my top off too. I just hope he doesn’t think I want to go all the way. You’ve got a great body. I really think she wants to go further. I’ll take my shirt off. I hope she likes the way I look. LONG LIVE LOVE 17
3 Where do you draw the line? Oh no… this is Wonder what she expects me to do. Will this be the first time? going a bit too fast. I hope he thinks I look good. She’s pushing me away, but she’s smiling. What does she mean? I’ll get a condom out. Maybe that’s what she means. I’m not sure… No… What will he think if I don’t want to go any further? How do I make that clear without upsetting him…? now it’s really going too far. I’m glad you’re being honest and saying what you want. I don’t really want to go any further. It’s good that you thought of condoms for when we do it. Another time. Do you mean that? I thought you’d be upset about not going any further. I did have my doubts too. But because you smiled at me and kissed me back, I thought you wanted to go further. I pushed you away a bit, didn’t I? It’s funny that we’re both OK with it though. I just love cuddling you. It’s best to do what you both want. THE END 18 LONG LIVE LOVE
quiz What do you think? These questions are about the story of Nick and Hannah. Choose what you think is the right answer. 1. What went wrong in the story? a. Nothing went wrong. b. Hannah and Nick went too far. c. Hannah and Nick didn’t talk about things properly. 2. Hannah tried to show Nick that she didn’t want to go any further. What do you think about how she did that? a. I think Hannah wasn’t clear enough, as she smiled while she carefully pushed him away. b. I think Hannah should have first asked Nick how far he wanted to go. c. I think Hannah should have pushed him away more clearly. 3. Nick didn’t really know what Hannah wanted. He got out a condom thinking that Hannah wanted to go further. What could Nick have done differently? a. If Nick wasn’t sure, it would have been better to stop and find out what she wanted. b. He’d been better off talking to Hannah beforehand about what she did and didn’t want. c. It’s good that Nick thought of condoms. But it would have been better to know how far she wanted to go. Below you can read what Nick and Hannah thought. Tips How to talk about it • Say clearly what you do and don’t want. • Talk beforehand about how far you want to go. • If you don't like something, say it. • Watch the other person and find out what he or she wants. • Sometimes you’ll notice what they want without talking about it. SELDA, AGE 15: ‘I think it’s easy. I’d just say: ‘I’m Muslim and will only kiss or have sex with someone when I’m married’. MICHAEL, AGE 17: ‘She said beforehand: ‘I’m not ready for it yet.’ At first I wasn’t happy about that. But I said to her ‘OK, alright’. Well at least we’re in love.’ MANDY, AGE 16: ‘I said: ‘Not so fast. Kissing and stuff is fine, but I’m not going to bed with you straightaway’ so he said ‘If that’s what you want, we’ll just wait’. JULIUS, AGE 15: ‘You have to watch the other person. If he kisses you back and looks happy, you know it’s all OK.’ LONG LIVE LOVE 19 What Nick and Hannah say about it now Nick and Hannah look back on that evening at Hannah’s. NICK: ‘I find it difficult to talk about it when we’re kissing and enjoying ourselves. But now I realise I should have asked her what she wanted. And say what I wanted myself. That would have been better. Since then we’ve talked about it. Talking was actually really good.’ HANNAH: ‘At that moment it was difficult to make it clear that I didn’t want to go any further. I didn’t want to upset him either. But actually I was upsetting him more by being unclear and not telling him exactly what I meant. Next time I’ll be clearer about what I want.’
3 Where do you draw the line? Online safety 10 tips The internet is fun and handy for chatting, sending messages and making arrangements. But how do you make sure you don’t have a bad experience? Justin, Jill and Lisa talk about making the internet safe. 1 Never make an arrangement with someone you met on the internet on your own. 2 Stop chatting with someone who says or asks strange things. Block that person if necessary. 3 Change the settings on your account to private, so that not everyone can see your information and pictures. 4 Collect evidence if you are being stalked or bullied on the internet. Keep these files. Never let yourself be blackmailed. 5 Don’t feel guilty if something unpleasant happens. If you didn’t encourage that person, then it wasn’t your fault. Don’t walk around feeling guilty, get help. 6 Don’t ask people you don’t know anything personal. 7 Think twice before sending photos of yourself or uploading them for your profile. Don’t make the photos public. 8 Have a think about what you want to show during a video call. People can film you without asking first. 9 Ask someone’s permission before putting their photos on the internet. 10 Trust your intuition. Jill Lisa Justin JILL: ‘You always have to be careful if you arrange to see someone you met on the internet. It’s best to take along a friend or meet in a pub or bar.’ LISA: ‘If a boy suddenly asks something about sex or wants me to put on my webcam, I immediately end the chat. That’s it. I just block him.’ JUSTIN: ‘I only share my profile with my friends’ JILL: ‘You always have to be careful if you arrange to see someone you met on the internet. It’s best to take along a friend or meet in a pub or bar.’ Have you had an unpleasant experience? Do you want to talk about it? Get in touch with the Sense Infoline. Go to www.sense.info. You can call, email or chat. JUSTIN: ‘I don’t ask anything personal until I meet the person or know them better.’ LISA: ‘A boy from my school once sent a nude photo of himself to a girl. The girl then showed the photo to all her friends.’ JUSTIN: ‘I'd never take my clothes off during a video call.’ JILL: ‘A friend of mine took a ridiculous photo of me and put it on her profile. I really wasn’t happy about that.’ LISA: ‘When I was chatting with a boy the other day, I felt a bit uncomfortable. It just didn’t feel right so I ended the chat.’ 20 LONG LIVE LOVE
Further than you want Inappropriate behaviour could be all kinds of things: • A boy who touches you on the dance floor • A girl that shows a sexy photo of you to everyone • A boy who asks you to send a sexy photo. • Your boyfriend or girlfriend who wants to have sex when you don’t want to If you go further than you really want, you’ll regret it later. Usually you can prevent experiences like these by making things very clear. And if someone won’t accept that you’ve drawn the line? Don’t feel guilty. Talk about it to someone you trust to make sure it doesn't worry you later. LINDA, AGE 14: ‘I went to the cinema with a boy. In the dark he put his hand on my leg. I didn’t like that but didn’t want to make a big deal of it. Everyone was quiet, of course, so I couldn’t say loudly ‘I don’t want this’. Later I thought: I could have pushed his hand away, no one would have noticed.’ DAVID, AGE 17: ‘I once persuaded a girl to have sex with me. Afterwards I thought: I didn’t really worry about whether she wanted to. Now I try to do that by simply asking. If you both want to, it’s much better.’ What is a groomer? A groomer is a boy who deliberately goes out with a girl so that after a while she’ll earn money for him as a sex worker. Groomers often go looking for girls outside schools, on the street or through the internet. Mostly it works like this: he pretends to be in love with her. Then he tries to win her trust. After that he pressurises her, forcing her to work as a sex worker or in the drug trade. Groomers tend to go for girls who are feeling insecure, unhappy, misunderstood or lonely. In the Netherlands, a groomer is called a ‘loverboy’, but that’s hardly an appropriate word. After all, a loverboy in not a boy who’s in love. What now? If you think the boyfriend of one of your friends is a groomer, try and find help. You can talk to someone you trust, like your parents, a teacher or the police. What is sexting? Sexting is sending nude pictures or videos of yourself. Sexting can be fun and exciting. But beware: someone can show your pictures to others. Someone can also forward your pictures. This can happen by accident, or to bully you. It is very difficult to remove the pictures once they are online. And so? Sexting always happens in good faith. When you receive a sexy picture or video, never forward them and do not show it to anyone else. Did you get in trouble? Tell it to someone you trust: your parents, the mentor or a teacher. Or go to sense.info for advice. The word sexting is a combination of the words ‘sex’ and ‘texting’ Important to know! It is punishable by law to spread sexual images online of people younger than 18. LONG LIVE LOVE 21
4 How do you make sex special? When you’re ready for sex You’ll enjoy sex if you’re ready for it. When that is will be different for everyone. Some start quite young, others wait a while. Sex shouldn’t be taken lightly. So only do it when you’re ready. The first time The first time usually means: the first time you have sexual intercourse (when the penis goes into the vagina). You probably won’t ever forget your first time. It’s a special but often nerve-racking experience. 22 LONG LIVE LOVE Remember: When people talk about sex, they usually mean a boy and a girl. But boys can, of course, also have sex with boys, and girls with girls.
complete The first time: What’s important for you? Choose your answers. How old you are when you start having sex is different for everyone. It's worth thinking about now. What’s important for you about the first time? That I want to do it. That I don’t do it because the other person wants to. That it feels right with the other person. That I’m old enough. That I know the other person well. That I’m in love. That I’m married. That I . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ROBIN, AGE 15: ‘What would be really important for me the first time is that I’d know her well and it feels right with her. Then I’d dare to say what I like. I think it’ll probably all be a bit awkward anyway. So if you don’t know the person very well either, it would be even more difficult.’ Five tips for the first time 1 Only do it if you really want to Some people start young. Others wait much longer. Only do it when you're ready for it. 2 Don’t worry Sex is something you have to learn. No one is immediately good in bed. The more experience you have, the better it gets and the more sure of yourself you’ll be. So if you’re nervous, don’t worry. Most people are. 3 Do it with someone you trust Do it with someone you feel comfortable with. Don’t rush into it. 4 Keep it safe Always use a condom and another contraceptive. That will prevent pregnancy and STIs. 5 Laughing is allowed! Why not make jokes or laugh if you’re not very handy? Then you’ll have even more fun. LONG LIVE LOVE 23 You may be ready for sex, but find out if the other person is too!
4 How do you make sex special? The first time Young people talk about the first time... JAMIE, AGE 15: ‘My first time? I haven’t thought about that at all. I’ll see. Not yet anyway.’ KATY, AGE 16: ‘My first time was so good. One evening my parents weren’t home. We’d arranged beforehand that we’d do it. So I lit some candles and put on romantic music. We went very slowly. We were nervous, but I also felt very comfortable with her. In the end I didn’t think ‘it’ was so special. But I’m pleased my first time was with her.’ NORA, AGE 17: ‘I haven’t done it yet. I want to wait until I’m married. My wedding night will be my first time. I think that’s really romantic, but also an exciting thought. I hope it will be the first time for my husband too so that we can discover it together.’ ZORAN, AGE 18: ‘My first time was quite embarrassing. I came much too soon because I was nervous. Luckily she didn’t really mind. Now that I’ve done it more often, I really like having sex.’ EMMA, AGE 18: ‘My first time was actually a bit of a disappointment. I thought it would be really romantic, but we were both incredibly nervous. It hurt and it was all over before I knew it. Now I have more experience so I can enjoy it more. JOSHUA, AGE 17: ‘I picked her up from school to do something together. We decided to watch a film in her room. One thing led to another. I was the first one for her and she was the first one for me. That made it feel really special. I think this experience brought us closer together. I love her so much.’ complete My ideal first time How would you like your first time to be? Make your choice. Have you already had your first time? Then try to imagine how your next time will be. Where? At my home At the other person’s home Somewhere else, like …………………… …………………………….……………….….. With who? With my boyfriend/girlfriend With someone I like and find attractive With the person I’m married to It doesn’t really matter who it is Or ………………………………………… …………………………….……………….….. When? It must feel right Just when I feel like having sex When I think I’m old enough When I’m in a serious relationship or I’m married Or ………………………………………… …………………………….……………….….. Remember: You may not always be in full control of the situation. So your first time might not go the way you’d expected it to. Don’t worry. The more experienced you get, the better it will be. 24 LONG LIVE LOVE
How to make sex special You may not be thinking about it yet. But when you do have sex, it should be special. Sex is special when you both want it and enjoy it. Sex is also special when you do it safely. Otherwise you’ll regret it later. Sex is special... when you both want it You may understand each other and have the same ideas, but it doesn’t always work like that. And that’s when there may be some difficult misunderstandings. So be clear to each other about what you want. How do you do that? Call, email or chat with the Sense Infoline. Go to www.sense.info. Chat with sense Sabgirl: My boyfriend wants to do more than just kiss, but I don’t really want to yet. I once did more than I wanted to, but I feel bad about it now. Infoline: I can imagine how awful that makes you feel. It’s difficult to say ‘no’ to someone you like. Sabgirl: Yes, especially as I don’t want to lose him. What should I do? Infoline: Try just being clear about it. Explain that it’s nothing to do with him, but it’s going a bit too fast for you. Sabgirl: I think he would understand that. Infoline: And… if he still wants to go further? Sabgirl: I think I would be able to talk to him about it. Infoline: Very good. Don’t feel guilty if you don’t want to go any further yet. If you draw the line at something, then no one can make you do it, not even the person you have a relationship with. Sabgirl: OK. LONG LIVE LOVE 25 Sex is special... when you do it safely Sex is special when you don’t have to worry about STIs or pregnancy. So make sure you always use condoms and the pill or another contraceptive. How do you do that? You’ll find out in lessons 5 and 6.
4 How do you make sex special? Sex is special... when you enjoy it Some people start young. Others prefer to wait for a while. But when you do have sex, it should be special. And it’s all up to you. Say what you enjoy and ask the other person what they like too. Any questions? Chat with, email or call the Sense Infoline. 26 LONG LIVE LOVE How do I find out what my girlfriend wants? To: info@sense.info From: sami_k@gmail.com Subject: what does my girlfriend want? Dear Sense, My girlfriend and I have been going out for a while. We haven’t done ‘it’ yet, but we do go further than just kissing. But how am I supposed to know what she wants? Should I notice something? I don’t want to go too fast, you see. Thanks for your help, Sami ---------------------------------------------------------Dear Sami, It’s really good that you think about what your girlfriend might like. How do you find out what that could be? Here are a couple of tips: 1 You could ask her. You might find that a bit difficult, but at least you’ll know immediately what she wants. For example: ‘Does this feel good?’ or ‘Do you want me to carry on or am I going too fast?’ 2 Sometimes you might notice something. Does she start kissing or touching you? Or push your hand towards something? Can you hear her breathing? Those are usually ‘yes-signs’, then you’re OK. Is she very quiet or does she turn her body away from you? These are often ‘no-signs’. If you notice any of this, always check with your girlfriend if your intuition is right (‘Do you want me to carry on or would you rather not?’). Then you know where you are.
If sex isn’t so enjoyable Boys and girls can have various problems with sex. These problems are often due to inexperience. If you haven’t had sex very often, you might be quite nervous. Common problems in… GIRLS: • Pain during sex • Not having an orgasm BOYS: • Coming too soon • Difficulties getting or keeping an erection Chat met sense Amy: Sex hurts sometimes, is that normal? Infoline: No, that isn't normal. But you’re not the only one, it happens to many girls. Amy: Oh. Why's that? Infoline: Because it often all goes too fast. Maybe you don’t take enough time to relax properly and get aroused. Amy: So what should I do? Infoline: Taking your time and relaxing is important. If intercourse hurts, you can also choose to have sex another way, like kissing or caressing. Tell your boyfriend or girlfriend about the problem. If you continue to have pain, we’d advise you to make an appointment with your doctor or Sense. LONG LIVE LOVE 27 Tricky situation… To: info@sense.info From: coolman_22@gmail.com Subject: tricky situation Hello, I often can’t get a hard on, what can I do? Thanks for your help. ---------------------------------------Dear Coolman, Boys often can’t get erections when they’d like to. This can be due to nerves, too much alcohol or not really wanting to have sex. While you’re having sex, don’t think too much about whether you can stay erect. That’s when it often goes wrong. Talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend. That might help you feel a lot more relaxed about it. And make sure you’re enjoying yourselves in bed together. The chances are that things will then soon improve. What can you do to enjoy sex? • Only have sex if you really want to. Don’t do it when you don’t feel like it! • Take your time when you have sex. • Make sure you’re both relaxed.
4 How do you make sex special? When it isn’t right... Sometimes, love and sex are not good at all. You may be broken-hearted, feel insecure about your body, or someone has forced you to have sex. Have you had a bad experience or is something worrying you? Talk about it to someone you trust. A good friend, your parents, a teacher or a confidential advisor at school. Don’t you know who that person is? Look it up on the school website. ANNA FROM SENSE: ‘Every week at the Sense Infoline we get lots of questions. I like being able to help young people. Sometimes they’ve been worrying about something for a while and I think that’s a shame. No problems surprise me, so anyone can call or email me about anything.’ complete What’s the solution? Who should these young people go to with their problem? Draw a line to the solution you would choose. THE PROBLEM: THE SOLUTION: SHARON, AGE 17: Someone forced me to have sex. I’m really unhappy. Who can I talk to about it? MICHAEL, AGE 16: I think I’m gay. Who can I tell? Friends MAHIRA, AGE 15: I’m scared I’m getting an arranged marriage. Who can help me? RODNEY, AGE 17: I want to have an STI test. Where can I go? 28 LONG LIVE LOVE More help Would you rather get help from someone you don’t know? The best way to do that is to go to www.sense.info. Then you can email, chat with, or call the Sense Infoline. If you’d like to see someone, go to a Sense drop-in session in your area or to your doctor. Teacher Doctor Confidential adviser Parents EXAMPLE Call, email or chat with the Sense Infoline Sense drop-in session
5 Safe sex: What’s that? Sex should be safe! Maybe you’re ready to have sex or maybe you’re not up to that yet. But if you are going to have sex, you don’t want to run the risk of an STI or an unwanted pregnancy. That’s why safe sex is important. But what is that, safe sex? What is safe sex? Safe sex is sex with a condom and the pill or another contraceptive. Why contraception? You use a contraceptive to prevent pregnancy. Contraception literally means: ‘against’ (contra) ‘fertilisation’ (conception). The pill or an IUD are examples of contraceptives. Why condoms? Condoms are the only way to protect yourself against STIs. LONG LIVE LOVE 29
5 Safe sex: what’s that? MENSTRUAL CYCLE The menstrual cycle lasts roughly four weeks. For every girl it’s different. For some longer, for others shorter. To know how to prevent pregnancy, you need to know how the menstrual cycle works. This also shows how you become pregnant. And how do you prevent that? By using a contraceptive. WEEK 4 The egg degenerates • If fertilisation doesn’t occur within two days, the mature egg degenerates. • The uterus gets ready to release its lining. WEEK 1 WEEK 4 WEEK 1 Your period • If the egg isn’t fertilised, the body releases it, together with the lining of the uterus. That’s why there’s bleeding. This is called menstruation – your period. • A girl menstruates for roughly four to seven days. Egg WEEK 3 Ovulation • When the egg has ripened, it is released from the ovary into the fallopian tube. This is ovulation. WEEK 2 Egg ripens WEEK 2 WEEK 3 • An egg can live for two days. During that time, a girl is the most fertile. If the egg now comes into contact with sperm, it is fertilised. • After ovulation, the uterus gets ready to receive a fertilised egg. The uterus wall gets thicker, spongy and fills up with blood. This is the lining of the uterus. • An egg ripens in the ovary. • Each month, one egg is released. fallopian tube uterus vagina labia ovary cervix PREGNANT Implantation • If the egg has fused with the sperm, it implants itself in the lining of the uterus. The girl is then pregnant. • The fertilised egg cell is called an embryo. An embryo is how a pregnancy starts. This embryo grows into a baby. Pregnancy • A pregnancy lasts 40 weeks, counted from the first day of the last period. 30 LONG LIVE LOVE You can prevent pregnancy by: • Not letting the sperm get through: with a condom • Not letting the egg ripen: with the pill or another contraceptive • Not letting the lining of the uterus get ready to receive the egg: with the pill or another contraceptive
STI TOP 5 1 Chlamydia Symptoms Discharge from penis, vagina or anus. Sometimes burning sensation when urinating or lower abdominal pain. But there are often no symptoms. 2 Genital warts 3 Genital herpes 4 Gonorrhoea (the clap) Warts in, on or near the penis, vagina or anus. Blisters, sores or spots on, around or in the penis, vagina or anus. Burning sensation near the genitals and when urinating. Discharge from penis, vagina or anus. Sometimes burning sensation when urinating or lower abdominal pain. But often there are no symptoms. 5 Hepatitis B (inflammation of the liver) Tiredness, nausea and abdominal pain. But there are often no symptoms. Chlamydia is very common and very infectious. One in every six young persons who are tested has chlamydia. What could happen if you don’t go to the doctor You could develop inflammations and become infertile. Warts cannot easily be cured. They may spread or, after healing, come back again. Herpes cannot be cured. The blisters can always come back again (just like cold sores). That often happens when you’re tired or ill. You could develop inflammations and become infertile. What is HIV? HIV, the virus that can cause AIDS, is sexually transmittable. The virus weakens the immune system. Without treatment, a person living with HIV will develop AIDS. HIV is treatable with drugs, but unfortunately there is no cure. If someone with HIV is given the right life-long treatment, they cannot pass on the virus to other people, and can grow just as old as people who do no have HIV. Your liver can’t function properly anymore. Eventually you may even get liver cancer. You don’t only catch herpes from sex without a condom. You can also get it if someone with a cold sore kisses, licks or sucks your genitals. What are STIs? 1 What is an STI? An STI is a sexually transmitted infection. It is an infection you can get from sex without a condom. STIs are transmitted through semen, vaginal fluid, blood and contact between genitals. 2 What’s so bad about an STI? The symptoms of STIs can be quite unpleasant. If you don’t treat an STI in time, it can have serious consequences. Chlamydia and gonorrhoea can even make you infertile. Herpes and genital warts come back again and again. HIV and hepatitis B are also incurable. Use a condom when having sex, so the risk of getting an STI is really small. 3 How do you know if you have an STI? Often you have no symptoms at all and don’t know whether you have an STI. Sometimes you do have symptoms. You need to be tested to be sure that you don’t have an STI. 4 How do you treat an STI? Chlamydia and gonorrhoea are caused by bacteria. They are treated with antibiotics. HIV, hepatitis B, genital warts and genital herpes are caused by viruses. Viruses remain in your body and cannot be treated. There are drugs that control viruses so that they don’t make you ill. LONG LIVE LOVE 31
5 Safe sex: what’s that? What is safe and what isn’t? This is safe sex Sex with a condom and the pill or another contraceptive. If you have sex, you won’t want to catch an STI or have an unwanted pregnancy. That’s why it’s important to have safe sex. But how do you do that? Read on to find out what’s safe and what isn’t. How do you make it safe • Always use condoms to prevent STIs. • Always use the pill or another contraceptive to prevent pregnancy as well. Anal sex with a condom. • Always use condoms to prevent STIs. • Use condoms with extra lubricant to prevent tearing. This is also safe Why is it safe? Caressing, cuddling, massaging, kissing of any kind and masturbation. • These won’t give you STIs. • And you won’t get pregnant either. When you need to be careful Licking or sucking. How do you make it safe? • Make sure that no pre-seminal fluid, semen, vaginal fluid or blood get into your mouth. That’s how to prevent STIs. • Want to be absolutely sure? Use condoms. Touching each other’s genitals. • Make sure no pre-seminal fluid or semen go anywhere near the vagina. That’s how to prevent pregnancy. • Make sure no pre-seminal fluid, semen, vaginal fluid or blood go anywhere near the penis or vagina. That’s how to prevent STIs. 32 LONG LIEVE LOVE A VE DE LIEFDE Did you know... ‘The withdrawal method’ is when a boy takes his penis out of the vagina just before he comes. That’s never safe. You can catch an STI or get pregnant.
quiz What do you know about STIs, pregnancy and safe sex? Are the following statements true or false? 1. Most STIs go away by themselves 2. If you have an STI, you always have symptoms 3. Washing yourself after having sex prevents STIs 4. There are STIs that make girls infertile 5. The pill protects against STIs too 6. A girl can get pregnant if the boy doesn’t come when you have sex 7. The first time you have sex you don’t need to use a condom or a contraceptive 8. If a girl has sex while she has her period she can still get pregnant 9. Masturbating is always safe 10. Cuddling, caressing and mouth-to-mouth kissing don’t put you at risk of STIs You’ll find the answers on page 36. True O O O O O O O O O O False O O O O O O O O O O LONG LIVE LOVE 33
5 Safe sex: what’s that? How would you feel? Always have safe sex. Because it’s awful to have to worry afterwards about an STI or unwanted pregnancy. We went looking for some young people to find out how they would feel. choose between keeping the child or abortion. How do you make that choice? I wouldn’t want either. That’s why I’m on the pill. Then I don’t have to worry.’ MOHAMMED, AGE 17: ‘If my girlfriend got pregnant now, I’d have such a fright. I wouldn’t know what to do. If her mother would hear about it, she’d tell my parents. If my father would know about it, he’d definitely throw me out. Luckily it won’t happen, as we have safe sex.’ On the street ... JASMINE, AGE 16: ‘I’d hate it if I discovered I was pregnant and would have to VINCENT, AGE 16: ‘If I were to have sex without condoms, I’d worry about catching something. Then you wouldn’t really enjoy having sex. If you have safe sex, you don’t have to worry about it. So you can enjoy it much more.’ That’s how I’d feel How would you feel if you thought you’d run a risk of an STI or unwanted pregnancy? I’d worry I’d feel guilty I’d regret it I’d feel awful I wouldn’t worry I’d ………………………………………….… .…………………………………………………… ……………………………………………………. A great summer? STELLA, AGE 17: ‘Unsafe sex? Never again! I felt so awful. Last summer I went to a Scouting camp. I was a leader of a group of children. In the evenings we sat with all the leaders around the campfire. It was a terrific group and I liked Chris in particular. One evening we’d been having a lot of fun and then it happened. We’d both been drinking and weren’t thinking straight. Neither of us had condoms with us. And I wasn’t taking the pill then either. How stupid can you be? I worried so much. All I could think about was an STI or maybe even pregnancy. After two weeks of worrying I went to the doctor and told him what had happened. Fortunately I immediately had my period. My doctor advised me to have an STI test. The whole thing really affected how I felt about the camp. I never want to go through that again. I’ll never have sex without condoms anymore. And I’m on the pill now too.’ 34 LONG LIVE LOVE
If it goes wrong You have safe sex to prevent unwanted pregnancy and STIs. But what do you do if something goes wrong? How is that done, an STI test? If you don’t have symptoms, you can have an STI test two weeks after you had unsafe sex. If you do have symptoms, you don’t have to wait two weeks. Go to your doctor to be tested or look at www.sense.info for a testing location somewhere near you. The doctor or nurse will decide which STIs to test you for. Boys usually only have to urinate in a jar. For girls, a kind of cotton bud is used to remove some mucus from the cervix. You’ll get the results within a week. If you’re in a relationship and want to stop using condoms, you should both have an STI test first. And don’t forget about using reliable contraception, like the pill or an IUD. What is that, a morning after pill? If you’ve had unsafe sex and don’t want to get pregnant, you can take a morning after pill within 72 hours. The morning after pill is just one tablet. It contains a hormone that prevents a fertilised egg from implanting in the uterus. If the morning after pill is taken within 24 hours after unsafe sex, the risk of pregnancy is the lowest. After that, it is slightly less reliable. You can buy a morning after pill without a prescription at a drugstore or pharmacy. If you’ve taken a morning after pill, always do a pregnancy test when you should have had your period, just to be sure. If it was more than three but less than five days ago that you had safe sex, go to your doctor for another kind of emergency pill or an emergency IUD. LONG LIVE LOVE 35 What should I do? To: info@sense.info From: Dave001@gmail.com Subject: What should I do? Dear Sense, I have a problem. I’ve had unsafe sex. We didn’t use a condom. Now I’m scared I may have caught an STI or made my girlfriend pregnant. What should I do? ------------------------------------------------------Dear Dave, You should both be tested for STIs. The sooner you know, the better. An STI is then often easier to treat. Your doctor can do an STI test or you can go to the free Sense drop-in session at the GGD health centre. In your email you don’t say whether your girlfriend is on the pill or uses another contraceptive. If she doesn’t, she’s running the risk of an unwanted pregnancy. To prevent that, she may still be able to take a morning after pill. This is possible within 72 hours (three days) after the unsafe sex. You can buy a morning after pill at a drugstore or pharmacy. If the unsafe sex was between three and five days ago, she can go to the doctor for another kind of emergency pill or an emergency IUD. If it was more than five days ago, she can do a pregnancy test on the day that she should have had her period.
5 Safe sex: what’s that? How do you know you’re pregnant? Did you have unsafe sex and are you too late to take a morning after pill? Then you may be pregnant. Do a pregnancy test to find out. You will have to wait until the first day that you should have had your period. Before then, you can’t find out whether or not you’re pregnant. Although you may notice changes in your body like sore breasts, nausea and tiredness. You can buy a pregnancy test at a drugstore or pharmacy. Your doctor can also do a test for you. For a free test, go to a Sense drop-in session. answers to the quiz What do you know about STIs, pregnancy and safe sex? Answers to the quiz on page 33 1 STIs never go away by themselves. Chlamydia and gonorrhoea are treated with antibiotics. HIV, hepatitis B, genital warts and genital herpes are incurable. They stay in your body. But there are drugs that can control the virus. The answer is: False. 2 You often have no symptoms and don’t know whether you have an STI. The answer is: False. 3 Washing after unsafe sex does not help prevent an STI. The answer is: False. 4 Girls can become infertile from chlamydia and gonorrhoea. But if you treat them in time, this can be prevented. The answer is: True. 5 The pill prevents unwanted pregnancy. Use condoms to prevent STIs. The answer is: False. 6 There may be sperm in a boy’s pre-seminal fluid. So a girl can get pregnant before the boy comes or without him having an orgasm at all. The answer is: True. 7 The first time you have sex you can get pregnant or catch an STI. So you must always have safe sex. The answer is: False. 8 The length of each girl’s menstrual cycle is different. So the moment when an egg ripens varies too. A mature egg lives for two days. Sperm can survive for three days in the uterus or fallopian tube. Sometimes even longer. So it is possible – if you have sex during the last few days of your period – for the sperm to survive and fertilise a newly released egg. The answer is: True. 9 You run no risk of STIs or unwanted pregnancy when you masturbate. The answer is: True. 10 STIs are transmitted through pre-seminal fluid, semen, vaginal fluid, blood and contact between genitals. Mouth-to-mouth kissing, cuddling and caressing are safe. You do run a risk if you lie next to each other naked and there’s contact between your genitals. And make sure you don’t touch the other person with pre-seminal fluid, semen, vaginal fluid or blood on your hands. The answer is: True. 36 LONG LIVE LOVE Pregnant: what now? What do you do if it turns out that you’re pregnant or your girlfriend is pregnant? There are two choices: 1 Terminating the pregnancy by having an abortion. 2 Going through with the pregnancy. That means the child will be born. If you are pregnant or your girlfriend is pregnant, go and get help. Talk about it to people you trust. For example, your doctor, someone working at a Sense drop-in session, or someone you know well.
6 Safe sex: How do you do it? How do you do it? Having safe sex prevents STIs and unwanted pregnancy. It means using condoms and a contraceptive. But how do you do that? LONG LIVE LOVE 37
6 Safe sex: how do you do it? What do they think of condoms? Boys say: DAN, AGE 18: ‘The first couple of times I found it really awkward – stopping just when we were starting to have fun to get a condom. But now we’re so used to it that we don’t even think about it.’ LUCAS, AGE 16: ‘At first I really didn’t want to use a condom. Because you do feel less. But since I got really stressed out once, I’ve always used them. I’d rather feel less and not have any stress afterwards.’ LEANDER, AGE 14: ‘I think it’s really stupid if people don’t use them. Imagine if you catch something? You just don’t know whether someone has an STI.’ NIGEL, AGE 17: ‘Some of my friends say that sex without a condom feels better. But I feel much more relaxed, knowing I’m protecting my girl. Then she doesn’t have to be nervous about pregnancy or STIs.’ JAMIE, AGE 18: ‘At first I found them quite difficult to put on. Now we’ve got the hang of it and she does it too. That’s cool.’ Girls say: AVIVA, AGE 15: ‘If I was with someone, I wouldn’t only take the pill. I’d definitely use condoms too. You’d want to be sure, wouldn’t you?’ ISABELLA, AGE 16: ‘At the beginning you probably wouldn’t talk about things you’d done in the past. That’s why I’d never do it without using condoms before that person has taken an STI test.’ KRYSTA, AGE 16: ‘The first time I found it quite difficult to bring up the subject of condoms. But I really didn’t want to do it without using one. So you have to talk about it. And you’re much more relaxed if you don’t have to worry.’ CAITLYN, AGE 18: ‘Look, we all know it feels nicer without a condom. But what’s nice about an STI? Nothing. So we use condoms.’ BRITT, AGE 16: ‘Maybe you can trust your boyfriend, and maybe even his exgirlfriends, but you never know who they’ve been with. You think: I’ll never get an STI, but the problem is that everyone thinks that. You just never know for sure.’ What else is good about condoms: • A condom stops a boy coming too fast. • A condom is cleaner, semen stays in it. What do parents think of condoms? I haven’t talked to mum and dad about it. But I’m sure they think condoms are important. My parents think it’s very important. My mother even gave me condoms for when I went on holiday with my friends. My parents think I should only have sex when I’m married. But they do say: ‘Always use a condom if something does happen’. At home we have a jar of condoms that we can all use. It’s really cool. 38 LONG LIVE LOVE
What do they think of the pill? IRIS, AGE 17: ‘My boyfriend and I aren’t having sex yet. But I have already thought about how I’d make sure I didn’t get pregnant. My mother suggested an IUD. Because you don’t have to think about it every day.’ HANNAH, AGE 15: ‘I have a lot of problems with my period. That’s why I’m on the pill. But it will also be handy if I start going out with someone.’ ZOË, AGE 16: ‘I was looking on the internet with my friends the other day. One of them has had a relationship for a while and wants to start using a contraceptive. There’s actually quite a lot to choose from. I’d go for the pill.’ Tip If you don't want anyone to know Doctors are obliged to respect confidentiality. That means that he or she may tell no one that you’re using a contraceptive. You don't want anyone to know you went to the doctor for a contraceptive? Then it's best to go to a Sense drop-in session. Then you can use cash to pay for the contraceptive at the pharmacy. LONG LIVE LOVE 39 How do I get the pill? To: info@sense.info From: Tess_B@gmail.com Subject: How do I get the pill? Dear Sense, I have a question. I’ve had a boyfriend for a little while. I’d like to know more about what I should do to make sure I don’t get pregnant. I was thinking of going on the pill. But how do I get it? ----------------------------------------------Dear Tess, You get the pill from your doctor. You can also get other contraceptives there. Make an appointment to see your doctor and talk about what’s the best choice for you. You may want to take your boyfriend, your mother or a friend with you. When you’ve decided, your doctor will write a prescription. Take the prescription to your pharmacy to pick up your contraceptive. You will need to go back to your doctor to have a hormone injection, or have an IUD or hormone implant fitted, if you have chosen one of these options. What this costs depends on your health insurance and the kind of contraceptive. If you’d rather not go to your doctor, you can also go to a Sense drop-in session at the GGD community health centre in your area.
6 Safe sex: how do you do it? Top 3: Questions about buying condoms 1 Where can I buy condoms? At drugstores, pharmacies and supermarkets. You can also buy them on the internet and sometimes from dispensers from toilets, pubs and bars. 2 Which condoms should I buy? Reliable brands are, for example, Durex or a drugstore’s own label. There are different kinds of condoms. You’ll find ordinary condoms, extra thin condoms, or condoms with a colour or flavour. Condoms are available in different sizes. 3 How can I see if the condoms are safe? Check whether there’s a CE mark on the pack. It means that the condoms have been approved. Also look at the expiry date. And make sure the pack isn’t damaged. JAMAL, AGE 18: ‘At first buying condoms was really nerveracking. I thought: everyone will see that I’m going to have sex. The first time I bought them at a drugstore a bit further away from where I live, where I didn’t know anyone. Now it doesn’t bother me anymore.’ MIRA, AGE 16: ‘I went with a friend to buy condoms. They were in a rack at the drugstore so I could choose them myself. Handy. That way people in the queue didn’t have to hear that I wanted condoms.’ Remember: you can keep condoms in many places, but not everywhere! • Don’t keep condoms for months in your bag, trouser pocket or wallet. The pack may tear. • Don’t leave condoms in the sun. The rubber may get damaged. quiz Where do you keep condoms? Choose the answer that describes what you do. 1. When you have a date: In my trouser pocket In my wallet In my bag Somewhere else: ………………… …………………………….…………….. 2. When you go on holiday: In my toilet bag In my suitcase In my wallet Somewhere else: ………………… …………………………….…………….. 3. When someone comes over: In my bedside cabinet Under my pillow In my desk drawer Somewhere else: ………………… …………………………….…………….. 4. If I don’t want anyone finding my condoms: In my bag In a secret compartment of my wallet In my mobile phone cover Somewhere else: ………………… …………………………….…………….. Female condom There’s also a condom for women. This condom is bigger than the male condom. The girl puts it in her vagina herself. The female condom is not used very much in countries like the Netherlands. 40 LONG LIVE LOVE Make sure you have them with you Make sure you have condoms with you. Even if you aren’t planning to have sex. Then you’ve always got them if you need them. SENNA, AGE 16: ‘It’s such rubbish that having a condom with you means you want to have sex. I always have one with me. Then I don’t have to think about it if it does happen.’
HOW DO YOU USE CONDOMS? 1 Tear open the pack on the tear strip and take out the condom. Make sure you don’t damage the condom. Be careful with sharp nails and jewellery. Don’t use scissors! 2 Make sure the ring of the condom is on the outside. Hold the tip of the condom between your thumb and forefinger to squeeze out the air. Otherwise it might tear. 3 Use one hand to put the condom on the top of the erect penis. With the other hand, roll the condom down as far as you can over the erect penis. Keep holding the tip. Make sure there’s enough space in the tip. That’s where the semen will be caught. 4 After coming, withdraw the penis before it softens. During withdrawal, hold the condom ring so the condom doesn’t slip off. Take off the condom and tie a knot in it. Throw it away. Condoms cannot be flushed down the toilet. LONG LIVE LOVE 41 What can go wrong? • The condom may burst or tear. This can happen if the tip was not squeezed properly and air got in. • The condom may slip off. This can happen if you wait too long with withdrawing the penis from the vagina. More you should know... • Never wear one condom over another. • Only use a condom once. • You can’t unroll it? Take a new condom. • Use a condom with extra lubricant for anal sex. • Use water-based lubricant. Oil will damage the rubber.
6 Safe sex: how do you do it? ALL ABOUT CONTRACEPTIVES What is it? The pill How does it work? A pill that releases hormones in your body. How do you use it? One pill a day. After taking all the pills in the pack, you don’t take any for a week. You then have your period but are still protected. Advantages • You know exactly when you’ll have your period. • You can delay your period. Disadvantages • You might forget to take the pill. Hormone coil (IUS) An IUS is a plastic device that is inserted in your uterus. It releases hormones so that you don’t get pregnant. It prevents pregnancy for five years. A doctor inserts the IUS. • You only have to think about it once every five years. • It gives you lighter and shorter periods. • Insertion might be painful. • You may have irregular bleeding. Copper coil (IUD) An IUD is a plastic and copper device that is inserted in your uterus. The copper prevents pregnancy. An IUD provides protection against pregnancy for five to ten years. Contraceptive injection A contraceptive injection contains a hormone which prevents pregnancy for 12 weeks. A doctor inserts the IUD. • You only have to think about it once every five to ten years. • It contains no hormones. • Insertion might be painful. • Your periods may be heavier and last longer. A doctor gives you the injection once in 12 weeks. • You only have to think about it once every 12 weeks. • Your periods will become irregular. • If you have side effects the injection can’t be immediately reversed. • If you stop, it takes a while before you’re fertile again. • You may have irregular bleeding. Contraceptive implant The implant is as big as a matchstick and is placed under the skin of your upper arm. It releases hormones so you don’t get pregnant. You’re protected against pregnancy for three years. Ring A flexible, plastic ring that you place in your vagina. The ring releases hormones so you don’t get pregnant. It prevents pregnancy for one month. Patch A thin patch that you stick on your skin. It releases hormones that prevent pregnancy. A doctor inserts the implant. • You only have to think about it once every three years. • It reduces menstrual pain. • You may have irregular bleeding. You place the ring in your vagina like a tampon. After three weeks, you remove it and have a ring-free week. You then have your period but are still protected. • Y ou only have to think about it twice a month. • You know exactly when you’ll have your period. • You can delay your period. You stick a new patch on your skin once a week for three weeks. This can be on any part of your body except your breasts or upper legs. The fourth week is patch-free. You then have your period but are still protected. 42 LONG LIVE LOVE • You only have to think about it once a week. • You know exactly when you’ll have your period. • You can delay your period. • You might forget to stick on a new patch. • It can be seen. • You may forget to insert a new ring.
Which contraceptive would suit me? Help Linda and Melody make a choice. Read their questions and tell them what you think would be best. LINDA, AGE 16: ‘I‘ve had a boyfriend for a little while. We haven’t had sex yet but I want to be prepared for when it does happen. Which contraceptive would suit me? I’d like to know exactly when I’ll be getting my period. I’ve heard that some contraceptives let you delay your period. That would be good.’ Which contraceptive would you suggest for Linda? MELODY, AGE 18: ‘I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for two years now. I’m on the pill, but I’m a bit careless and sometimes forget to take it. That really stresses me out as I don’t want to get pregnant. Which contraceptive would be better for me? Preferably one that I wouldn’t have to think about so much.’ Which contraceptive would you suggest for Melody? …………………………….………….. …………………………….………….. Contraceptives in the Netherlands • Over 50% of girls take the pill as a contraceptive. • Almost 11% of girls have a hormone coil. • Over 1% of girls use a ring or have contraceptive injections. Five questions about the pill 1 Can the pill do your body any harm? No. The pill is not bad for you. When you start taking it, you may have some nausea or headaches. The same goes for other contraceptives containing hormones. 2 Can the pill make you infertile? No, absolutely not. You can get pregnant as soon as you stop taking the pill. 3 Do you have to take the pill every day? Yes. The pill only works if you take it every day. If you take the pill now and then, it won’t work properly and you can get pregnant. 4 What should I do if I forget to take the pill? It depends on which week you forget to take the pill. Read the instructions or get in touch with the Sense Infoline. 5 Does the pill work if I’ve been sick? No. If you’ve been sick or have diarrhoea, the pill will be less effective. To know what to do, read the instructions or get in touch with the Sense Infoline. LONG LIVE LOVE 43 Tips for the pill If you forget to take the pill, you run the risk of pregnancy. So read these tips to take it correctly. • Take the pill at the same time each day. • Keep your pill pack in one place. For example, next to your toothbrush or on your bedside cabinet. • Put an extra pack in your bag. Then you’ve always got the pill with you.
6 Safe sex: how do you do it? Safe sex: how to talk about it Talking about contraceptives ADRIENNE, AGE 17: ‘I‘ve had a boyfriend for a little while. We haven’t had sex yet, but we will at some point. Last week we talked for the first time about what we should do to prevent pregnancy. He actually had some good ideas. I was really pleased.’ GUILLIANO, AGE 16: ‘My girlfriend has started taking the pill. She’s told me all about how it works. About the pill pack, and that you stop taking it for a week. I’m glad I know that now.’ SORAYA, AGE 18: ‘My boyfriend mentioned it recently. How should we make sure I don’t get pregnant when we have sex? I was really pleased I didn’t have to bring it up. That he feels responsible for it too and he’s serious about us.’ How to bring up condoms? Bringing up the subject of condoms can be quite difficult. But once you’ve talked about it, you’ll feel a lot better. It was actually brilliant ELINE, AGE 18: ‘We’d been going out for three months and were lying on the sofa cuddling. I said to him: If we were to go to bed together, what do you think about condoms? So we talked about safe sex and who would bring the condoms. It was actually brilliant. We immediately talked about our first time.’ Just get one out RUBEN, AGE 17: ‘I think I’d feel a bit awkward. What should you say first? You could just take out a condom. Then you’d see how he reacts.’ Nice when the boy does it WESLEY, AGE 15: ‘I was talking to my brother about it the other day. He said that girls like it when boys do it. So I’d just ask: shall I bring condoms?’ We both thought of it JADE, AGE 17: ‘We hadn’t really talked about it beforehand. I found it quite difficult to do. But the evening we had sex for the first time, my boyfriend showed me that he had condoms with him. I also had some in my bedside cabinet. Funny really.’ Tips Ways to talk about it • Work out beforehand how and when you’ll bring it up. • Be clear. Just say honestly: ‘I only do it with…’ • Bring it up while you’ve still got your clothes on. • Show the condom or put it where it’s visible. • Bring it up with a joke. Then it won’t be such a big deal. • Give the other person a condom as a gift. That’ll make it clear immediately. How would you bring it up? 44 LONG LIVE LOVE Tips For boys • Ask your girlfriend if she’s taken her pill today. • Read the instructions to see how the pill works.
tips and complete What to do if they don’t want to use condoms STEP 1. Say that you only want to have sex with condoms. Say, for example: ‘I only do it with a condom’. STEP 2. Don’t they want to? Then say why you do want to use a condom. What would you say? I’d say: ‘I do trust you. But not our exes’. I’d say: ‘Sex without worries is much more fun’. I’d say: ‘You can never be sure whether you have an STI’. Something else: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . STEP 3. Do they still not want to use a condom? Then suggest you have sex another way. Say, for example: ‘Then we’ll just kiss’. STEP 4. Do they not want that either? Then say you’re not happy about that. Say, for example: ‘I think that’s a shame’. STEP 5. Do they still not want to? Don’t let yourself be persuaded. Say that you’ll only have sex with condoms. Say, for example, ‘I’ll only do it with a condom’. LONG LIVE LOVE 45 Am I being difficult? To: info@sense.info From: emmadv@gmail.com Subject: With a condom? Dear Sense, My new boyfriend wants to have sex without condoms as I’m on the pill. He says he’s sure I don’t have any STIs. I don’t want to yet, I think there’s too great a risk. He thinks I’m being difficult. What should I do? -----------------------------------------------Dear Emma, Say why you want to have sex with condoms. You can tell him, for example, that you trust him but you can never be sure whether either of you picked up something in a previous relationship. You can also suggest making love another way. Don’t let him put pressure on you. Say that you’ll only have sex without condoms once you’ve both been tested for STIs. If the results of the STI test are fine and you only have sex with each other, then you can do it without condoms. But always use something to prevent pregnancy, such as the pill or an IUD.
Long Live Love is a Soa Aids Nederland/Rutgers product Product development Suzanne Meijer and Lisette Schutte, Soa Aids Nederland Writers Suzanne Meijer and Marieke van den Borne, Soa Aids Nederland | Laura van Lee, Rutgers In cooperation with Hanneke Roosjen, Jos Poelman and Jolijn Polet, Soa Aids Nederland | Ineke van der Vlugt and Marianne Cense, Rutgers | Anita Watzeels, Mireille Wolfers and Marja de Koster, GGD Rotterdam-Rijnmond | Fraukje Mevissen and Gerjo Kok, Maastricht University | Wilco Schilthuis, GGD Amsterdam In memory ofHerman Schaalma With special thanks to Mahshid Borghei, Mounir Ben Tarraf, Rasjot de Boer, Eva Sugeng, Lynn Werlich Rosa van Iterson and Mees Bink All the schools, teachers and students Copy editing Annemies Gort Graphic design Ontwerphaven, Suzanne Hertogs and Anne de Laat Comic Strips Studio de Leijer, Jeroen de Leijer Photography Yvonne Brandwijk, Shutterstock.com Translation Mandy Savage Production Alice Verleun, Soa Aids Nederland Printed by GTV DonMail, Oosterhout Produced with funding from ZonMw, RIVM Order at www.longlivelove.nl This student magazine is part of a teaching pack that includes a teacher's guide, films and the websites: www.longlivelove.nl and www.lesgevenindeliefde.nl (Dutch only). Fourth edition, English, 2020 © Soa Aids Nederland, Amsterdam, the Netherlands
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